Wow, did this winter drag on. Sorry to start with that but, I mean! My attitude is admittedly coloured by the fact that I was sick three (3) separate times this winter, plus I had a protracted period of what I can only summarise as, "Am I unfit for life under capitalism, or do I need a doctor/exorcist?" I'm now pleased to officially been prescribed an iron supplement, although I guess this does not rule out the former. Regardless, the lesson here is to go see your GP if your tiredness seems excessive even in light of everything. We should all be so lucky to have problems that have a simple fix.
A known cure for winter is to escape it for a while - this year the plan was sunny Mexico. I was looking forward to it A LOT - there was your usual "ooh the beaches look like heaven", but with a slightly aggressive tinge of "I NEED THIS" added in, as I was desperate to get away from gloomy England with its endless rain and decongestants. And on that Mexican beach that first morning it was all there - I swear I whimpered when the waves first hit my feet. This was a warmth, a sweetness, that seemed impossible for a person to get to feel - the water never gets that warm in England, and certainly never in the depths of February, the cruellest month.
After watching the sunrise I sat by the water for hours as the green waves rolled in, under a sun that felt like it would make me a different person if I lived under it. But at the same time, once you're done swimming, the beach is boring. And then there was the fact that I'd planned to travel to Mexico with someone else but he never made it onto his flight, felled by a flying phobia that returned with a vengeance at the departure gate. All of this happened after my flight had already departed, so I was already in Mexico when I found out I was actually alone, left to ponder my options in the slow-moving immigration queue. I've travelled alone plenty of times, including to India - I could handle Mexico on my own. But I was thoroughly unprepared for a trip like that, both logistically and emotionally - and I immediately knew I just didn't want to do it.
I was in Mexico for 24 hours, and I remember it like a dream. I thought this was going to be an essay about responding to change, something I'm usually not great at - I like to plan things, and then I like to do things in the way I've planned. My good-mannered about-turn in Mexico, where it occurred to me that if this wasn’t going to work out I could just fly somewhere else, may seem like an example of going with the flow. But you could also say I just stubbornly bent the situation to my will, the least chill thing of all.
Whichever way you look at it, what happened was that I went back to the airport the next afternoon and flew to San Francisco. There, Rif and I had the holiday we'd meant to have: roaming about hiking, swimming, and eating great food, now in California. While I had to borrow clothes to cover my arms and legs, and I certainly wouldn't recommend the convoluted route, I feel that overall things went more or less the way I’d planned it: I had some time off in a nice place, the sun was (mostly) shining, and I had a lovely time.
Back in London, spring has come early this year - it’s still nippy but I feel it as I hurry down the road to the corner shop in the lighter afternoons. There's a sweetness in the air from the spring flowers in the front gardens, and when it reaches my nose it feels a little like a Mexican beach, too delicious for words and like something that shouldn't be happening. Except that it is, and this time I'm not going anywhere. I’m telling you, it gets me every time.
Writings
What Seasonal Affective Disorder can tell us about ourselves - Vox
I have a new feature at Vox on what causes Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and winter blues, and how you can actually try and fix it! Because there are things that can genuinely help you - including some things you may not have thought of. I loved working on this article - it made me feel curious and hopeful.
Readings
For this month's article recommendations from around the internet, head over to Reading List, Anaemia edition.