January on Hampstead Heath
My friend, who's actually good with greenery, tells me I should water my plants when the soil is dry - just check with your finger! But honestly, who can keep on top of that kind of mother earth voodoo? I need a system, and my system is "the weekend", which is when my plants get water whether they need it or not, good luck.
How else are you supposed to keep your life on track? I honestly think people who get things reliably done without lists and calendars are witches. Time is slippery and I have no sense for it. I do my chores when the allotted time rolls around and sometimes it feels like it's been forever, and other times I could swear I just did it. My plants are much better off with the calendar than they ever would be with me.
The "I could have sworn I just did this" feeling is not a great sign. At its worst, it happens when I brush my teeth at night - I’m looking at myself in the mirror, feeling like I was here just a minute ago. It means the day has rushed by, usually in some haze of rushed, same-y actions, without time to think. If you don’t feel that time has really passed, what was the point of it? I mean, sometimes we have to do things that are unpleasant, but that’s at least progress. But if the day goes and it feels like it could just as well not have happened, I can’t help but think that maybe … it didn’t?
I’m kind of having this feeling about the entire month of January - where did it go? This lack of appropriate and normal experiences to relay led to an awkward interaction a few days ago, when I was doing some start-of-the-work-call-smalltalk. I said I'm "getting back into it after the holidays" and this woman, who I’d never met before, seemed confused, asking if I'd just got back from a trip? That was the moment I realised it was actually the 25th of January, and most people have probably been “back into it” for weeks by now, instead of having existential moments with their toothbrushes. I mumbled something about taking it slow in the depths of winter, a concept I generally feel is deeply right for me, but in that moment felt shamed for. Or maybe I’d just introduced the wrong kind of smalltalk (existential) in a moment that called for observations about the weather.
The thing is, though, I'd actually been away. I could have just said that, but as it wasn't the reason for the feeling I'd shared, it didn't occur to me! But in mid January I went to Valencia for a long weekend to get some sun. Luke and I waited until just days before, and booked the only place in all of Europe set to be sunny that weekend. We had a grand time among orange trees and spectacular pintxo dinners, squinting into the light. Then, on the day of our flight home, I woke up feeling like death warmed over, as I had to board a RyanAir flight. And then I spent the next three days worshipping the porcelain god, from both ends - I didn't know that could happen to adults! I'll spare you the details. But in rare moments of lucidity, or maybe I was hallucinating, I was honestly wondering if maybe I were dead, and this was my hell loop? Because while there are many worse things in life, this was a discomfort of a nature so humiliating, yet also so mundane - only the devil himself could have come up with it.
Now, I know that I can't say things like this to unsuspecting professionals who are just trying to get through two minutes of mandatory social interaction at the top of the call. But I kind of wish we could? Just to have a moment of realness, of connection? Sure, I know people are weird and humourless, or they have f*cked up opinions that would sour things in a heartbeat. It would never work and it’s probably TMI anyway. So instead I'll just tell you guys about my brush with Spanish wasting disease and hopefully you will think it's funny, or maybe it will make you think about your own moments where you wondered whether god or the devil have the better sense of humour.
All of this is to say, it is now the end of January, and I never quite got started with it. So let’s try this again with a new month, and hopefully February will have more of a sense of itself, and more lucid thoughts that can be shared in polite company. No matter what, my plants will be watered when the calendar says it’s time.
Writings
The case for looping : In school, I had the same teacher every year, and I was better off for it - Insider
It's called "looping" - when a teacher follows the students up through the years, instead of getting a new teacher every year. The Scandinavian education model is big on looping, and I had no idea it was unusual until I read the research advocating for more countries doing it, because of how it benefits students. I wrote about my school experience for Insider, with special thanks to my first teacher Reidun, who showed me you can silence a room by quite literally dropping a pin.
Readings
For this month's article recommendations from around the internet, head over to Reading List, Disoriented edition.