So I'm off the sauce, and I have some thoughts. I didn't choose to stop drinking alcohol - the decision was made for me when I started getting cluster headaches, which are similar to migraines except they are shorter and come in groups. How can I put it: it’s a bit like when you think the rain has finally stopped but there it goes again, and it keeps on stopping and starting until your whole weekend has washed away. This cluster business started a month ago and by this point my headaches are very mild, but according to the subreddit I consulted after the GP basically shrugged at me, you have to wait until they're completely gone before you can have a drink again. If you don't, you risk restarting the cluster, which I assure you is unacceptable to even think about.
So here I am, drinking soda water and kombucha and trying to have a good attitude. As the cluster is trundling on, I've had the opportunity to contemplate the challenges of rawdogging life without the occasional drink to take the edge off. For me, it comes down to what Eve Babitz wrote about quitting (in her case, smoking), "Unless one is in the exact right mood, it's impossible."
While I don't have a choice about this right now, it is simply very hard to give up things you enjoy when you'd really prefer not to. You really need an attitude of "I've had enough of this!" to drive a successful quitting, or it just feels like deprivation. Almost all stories about sobriety include laments of drunken sadness and deep shame, and those situations don’t apply to me - I don't want to drink myself to oblivion! I just want a glass of deep rich funky red wine, which right now shines in my mind as one of my favourite things in the world.
But sure, sure, lessons have been learned. I now know that I don't need alcohol to "have a good time" - I have a genuinely fine and good time without it. The challenge is unfortunately that alcohol is supremely well suited to help you have a bad time, or rather, less of a bad time. A drink at the end of a day when you're exhausted or simply too stressed to see straight gives you an option to speed up the chill process - it's a tool for handing an overwhelming world without your entire brain present to feel it all so acutely.
One thing I have come to realise is that not drinking means I have to stand up for myself a bit more. If I sort of want to leave a situation, I don't have the option to have a drink and style it out - I simply need to honour that feeling and bow out, even when that's awkward. If I'm stressed, I can’t have a drink to smooth it out, but I have to do something ridiculously healthy like listening to a favourite song or going for a walk. Sometimes I just have to sit in the discomfort and observe it with detachment, like the hippie I probably am at heart anyway. Yes, I’ve started meditating again.
It was probably naive of me, but I expected getting off the sauce to be ... cleaner? More full of pep in the mornings? The newly sober sure do go on about that. But physically I feel pretty much the same. I've been reading about people's "journeys" of quitting drinking, but I've found them unrelatable: I don't worry about the "toxicity" of a glass of wine. Honestly, the alcoholics wrote the more useful essays, as they provided actual advice: have a sweet when you want a drink, as the sugar gives you a dopamine kick. So often, what we really want is a just little treat.
I'm at peace with my enforced sobriety now, more or less. Life has become more intense - the emotional experience of being in the world feels like one of increased exposure, and it demands more of me. I'm curious how I'll feel about all of this when the cluster is over, and sobriety stops being a medical requirement. I really look forward to having red wine again, but I also know I’ll drink less. I really look forward to getting to choose.
Writings
Get in, the water is good: The surge in urban city swimming across Europe - Bloomberg CityLab
This is one of my favourite stories I've written in a long time - I loved working on this. For Bloomberg’s CityLab I went deep into the urban swimming revival across Europe, with all the red tape and legitimate safety issues that goes along with securing a city swim spot for the public - but city swimming it's a lot safer and easier than most people think. And the water's surface is the best vantage point you'll ever find.
Readings
I don't have a Reading List this time (although if you fancy it, the archives are over ten years long). I'll list a few books instead, keeping it to new releases - it's been a good year so far! Here's some books I've loved in recent months.
I'm mostly here to enjoy myself: One woman's pursuit of pleasure in Paris, by Glynnis MacNicol
The book of the summer! After spending the pandemic alone, Glynnis MacNicol went to Paris for five hedonistic weeks of food, friendship, and sex - more, more, more. This was so much fun to read.
Hermit: A memoir of finding freedom in a wild place, by Jade Angeles Fitton
Why do people choose a life of isolation? Jade Angeles Fitton recounts her discovery of how to live a life more authentic to her, along with stories of others who've done the same. Insightful and engaging.
All fours, by Miranda July
Everybody's talking about this book - Miranda July is the best kind of loon and I adore her. I don't usually read novels, but I can see now how it affords a certain freedom to say anything you want. Just, wow.
Sociopath: A memoir, by Patric Gagne
When Patric Gagne's realised there wasn't any treatment available for people like her, she decided to get a doctorate so she could develop it. She argues convincingly that sociopathy is a spectrum, and that by addressing the anxieties created around the condition, people can start to find a way forward. Brilliantly narrated and absolutely fascinating.
Swimming in Paris: A life in three stories, by Colombe Schneck
I just finished reading this and had a very good time of it - it's one of those books where nothing unusual happens, but everything normal is told with such insight that you walk away feeling like a curtain has been peeled back, and you can see something you didn't before. Beautiful.