I was reminded this week of an infamous headline from the Sunday Sport, where "saucy" Bristol gal Kirsty set out to give up blowies for 2016, only to relapse just half an hour after midnight. The story is NSFW and also, really not safe for anyone not familiar with how deranged British tabloids can be (it's a proud country). Kirsty told the Sunday Sport she won't be making any further resolutions on this, as "it's unfair to deprive myself".
They say the only way to break an addiction is to replace it with another one - this is where Kirsty went wrong, trying to quit cold turkey. I don't personally share Kirsty's predilection, but a hunger is a hunger - you have to figure out how to feed the beast, if not one way then another, or it will rebel. To give you an example that may be more relatable: it was only when I started keeping dark chocolate in the house that I stopped eating myself sick on the sweeter stuff. If I keep nothing around I know I’ll soon find myself in the corner shop, hungry and wild behind the eyes.
You can't just deny yourself a thing that's "bad for you" by white-knuckling it and expect it to go well - this I've learned. When you're trying to quit something, you have to identify the need that it meets and figure out how to solve it some other way, and only then can a change be made. Like the chocolate thing - I simply want a little treat. Sometimes the solution can be counter-intuitive: I've never been a regular smoker, but in my 20s I realised the best way to not smoke was to just have one, every now and again. Telling myself I absolutely could not would only make me feel rebellious, and no feeling is more perfectly met with a fag. So that's been my position on that ever since - it's a free-for-all - and I soon lost interest. I've not had a cigarette in years and don’t expect to, but I know I could, any time.
I once asked a behavioural scientist about that feeling when your brain is doing things that you don't totally understand, and what that's about. And he really threw me when he pointed out that when we say "my brain" we could also say "me", as it's the same thing - our brains are not separate from us. We are our brains, our brains are us. I'm sure this is correct from a neuroscience perspective, but I think psychologists would disagree. "Inside you there are two wolves," the meme goes - you can use this meme generator to make your own representation. The phrase is actually from a Native American legend talking about inner conflict. So which wolf wins? The answer, according to the legend: "Whichever one you feed."
What you focus on, grows - in the grand scheme of things, this is true. But on a random Tuesday I often find my two wolves to be evenly matched, and I know it won't go well to set them against each other. Instead I need to let them run around for a bit, give the circus some space, and just experience a sense of the possible. Even if I know where I'll probably end up going, for a moment it’s nice to enjoy the feeling of what might happen. Freedom!
As a palate cleanser after that Sunday Sport story, here's a low stakes, wholesome example of what this can look like. This winter I developed an incessant craving for the red velvet cupcake from the Hummingbird Bakery - the beast literally wanted to be fed cake crumb and frosting. I'd had the red velvet horn once before, when I lived near a Hummingbird in West London, and that time it had me in such a vice grip that I felt genuine relief when I saw the local branch was closing. It was a strange time - this was during the deepest pandemic lockdown, and all we had access to was alcohol, sex and sugar, and there was no replacing any of them.
So when the red velvet mare resurfaced once again I was apprehensive - what was going on? How bad would it get this time? As I don't live anywhere near a Hummingbird anymore I detoured through Soho a few times to pick up a cupcake, and then I discovered the bakery delivers to Tom's house so I did that a few times. Then one day Tom needed to rush out the door so there wasn't time to place and order, but we ended up not leaving for another hour and I could totally have ordered cupcakes! A small argument ensued, I’m not proud of it. I felt equally defiant and ridiculous as I took the long way home and picked up two, and ate both of them in the street. And with that the craving went away. Or maybe it was that my work problem had started resolving itself, and with that the need went away too.
The bad wolf won't be denied, is what I’m trying to say, or she will turn into a monster. And honestly, this wolf is working hard to look after me, probably protecting me from all sorts of genuinely bad habits. She just wants to be let out every now and again! So now I tend to just go with it - let it burn bright, and fast. The wolf knows what she's doing. I just need to make sure I feed her when she's hungry.
Writings
After 20 years, I thought I knew London – then I walked the Capital Ring - The Independent
It's spring! Let's go for a walk and gush about how nice it is to be out. If you want a bigger London adventure, may I suggest the 78 mile Capital Ring, which will show you things you didn't know existed and also, bring you the pleasure of connecting up the city's neighbourhoods in a way that's only possible by travelling on foot. Here's to the satisfaction of a full circle.
PÃ¥skekrim: Why Norway goes nuts for crime at Easter - Atlas Obscura
Easter means reading or watching crime stories, right? In Norway it's such a natural part of the season that until I left the country at 19, I had no idea no one else does this. For Atlas Obscura, I reported on the curious origins of this unique tradition. I also explored why such a peaceful country loves crime and gore - no country is perfect, everybody is going through something, and we all love a good scare.
Readings
For this month's article recommendations from around the internet, head over to Reading List, What Feels Lighter edition.